Star Wars Fever Sucks.......MY SOUL!

Many folks think the most insidious thing in the known world is fast food and tobacco marketing. This is very obvious and has been for years. All those people who are fat and dying of lung cancer have been witness to this evil marketing for the last 30 odd years. Another product that is almost as evil but not obviously harmful is the marketing blitz behind the Star Wars franchise. I am absolutely serious.

It's more powerful and sneaky than anything ever known. Let me explain. I drank a Yoda cup Slurpee over the weekend. I ate Star Wars themed M & M's. I saw Star Wars themed Kellogg’s cereal. Yoda is pushing freking Pepsi and stealing fries on TV. Why do I care? I care because I was molested by George Lucas as a child. No not in the sick physical "show me on the doll where he touched you" way. I was touched by the Star Wars franchise and for the rest of my life I will be touched by it.

As a kid I was addicted to the movies, bed sheets, toys, etc and anything else I could get my folks to get me. My allowance or money from jobs as a kid went straight to Star Wars toys. I would pretend to be a Jedi and swing my saber around and believe that Darth Vader was the ultimate evil. I looked back at some child hood pictures and almost all my poses look like Luke holding a light saber. My childhood birthday cakes with C3PO on it. Anything Star Wars was a big part of my child hood. It would stay with me forever. To this day every Christmas my mother gives me some kind of Star Wars thing. 2 years ago it was a t-shirt that said Chewie with Chewbacca on it and that rocked! I'm not alone there are millions worldwide with the same Pavlov's dog like pant when it comes to Star Wars.

Forward to 1999. The new film Episode 1 comes out and the fever is back. My friends and I were bonkers over the return of the movies. Lucas told us he had been waiting decades to tell these older stories. We believed they would rock and make us all delirious with joy. I ate Taco Bell collected cup toppers. I marveled at Darth Maul and I sat thru the movie a few times. Then something happened. Like drinking a diet beverage when you’re expecting the real thing a bad taste was left in my mouth. The new film sucked and made no sense as far as the plot went. It looked great but drove like a Dodge Neon. We were cheated. Episode 1 did not hold up to even the Ewok plagued Return of the Jedi. Hell it sucked compared to the Star Wars Christmas special even. But the child inside me said hey it’s a start the next one should be better! I believe! I believed because I was programmed to believe.

The second film was better. We got to see Jedi on battlefields with light sabers fighting evil droids. There was a Boba Fett like character which was Boba's dad. We almost bought it and I was almost satisfied. The dialogue was still stiff and the story disjointed. The child inside of me was still semi-happy!

So now I have Star Wars fever again. The last movie to end the series promises to be spectacular and really hit it out of the park for the fans! Anywhere you go Star Wars is there. You can buy Star Wars Lotto Tickets, Star Wars ring tones, Star Wars anything. At Burger King you can Jedi size your adult meal and get 2 toys. This is for adults not kids mind you. Lucas is handing out licenses to anyone and anything like he knows this is it. This is the last chance to cash in and touch all of us before the jig is up! Even my homey who is a fierce critic of the new films is feeling the fever. I am defiantly feeling the fever. I don't know if it’s the evil looking Anakin or the Wookies but my tickets are in hand for the midnight showing next Wednesday. I am ready to be dazzled. Early reports from sneak peeks say all is green, Red Five go!

Let me close by saying this, if this movie sucks and it just might I propose a class action suit against Lucas Films for child abuse spanning the last 30 years. There are millions out there who know what I'm talking about. Lucas infiltrated our childhood by selling us his story. He has a Darth Vader like choke hold over our hearts and minds. He even sold us a Hitler like character in Darth Vader and made us adore him. If you can convince people to love Hitler and dress up as Hitler for Halloween or make kids breath like Hitler you can do anything. Lucas knows this. We deserve to have closure that is coherent and well done. Till then you can find me in the 7-11 cooling off my Star Wars fever with another damn Yoda slurpee.